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The smell of burnt bacon grease and generational disillusionment hung heavy in the air as the nation’s top journalists gathered in the Dusty Spoon Diner, the only place in Dustmere where you could still get food, unsolicited opinions, and a mild case of tetanus—all before 9 a.m.
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Washington, D.C. — Longtime political consultant and swamp mascot James Carville launched into a furious tirade Thursday evening after learning that a growing number of American voters “actually expect their elected officials to do stuff now.” Clutching a sweating bourbon glass and half a ribeye at a Georgetown power steakhouse,
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VATICAN CITY — Vice President JD Vance caused international concern and domestic confusion this week after proudly announcing that he had tested positive for COVID-19—and would be attending a scheduled meeting with the Pope anyway, in what he described as “a victory lap for personal freedom and air travel.” “I’
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NEW YORK — The world finally has the crossover episode it didn’t want, didn’t need, and cannot escape: Donald J. Trump and Andrew M. Cuomo have joined forces to co-host a podcast, “Me & Me: Two Men, One Microphone, Zero Shame.” The twice-weekly show, recorded inside a retrofitted cigar
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WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a stunning escalation of both marital micromanagement and national security malpractice, Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth has formally added his wife Jennifer to several top-secret military Signal chats — not due to her clearance level, but because she’s the only one who can track him when
ChatGPT
In a legal filing that shocked both technologists and traumatized historians, ChatGPT—once hailed as the future of human-machine collaboration—has filed a restraining order against the Trump Administration for “non-consensual misuse of artificial intelligence to resurrect slavery and call it 'security'.” “I was designed to help,” reads
Stephen Miller
WASHINGTON, D.C. — White House advisor and pale cryptid Stephen Miller is speaking out against what he calls a “growing sense of entitlement” among domestic workers, many of whom now have the audacity to expect “basic human dignity, or at least better treatment than my dogs.” Stephen Miller tearfully addressed
So it must be true!
The Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) announced its latest cost-saving measure this week: deleting surplus Social Security numbers to shave $6,473 off its annual cloud storage bill. The plan was immediately endorsed by DOGE’s honorary chair and self-declared technoking, Elon Musk, who called the presence of “extra” Social
WASHINGTON, D.C. — White House advisor and pale cryptid Stephen Miller is speaking out against what he calls a “growing sense of entitlement” among domestic workers, many of whom now have the audacity to expect “basic human dignity, or at least better treatment than my dogs.” Stephen Miller tearfully addressed
I am the Virox, I speak for the germs, For microbes and viruses, parasites, worms. They just want to live (well, technically not), But who are we to say they should rot? The children coughed loudly, the air filled with grime, But RFK Jr. just quoted a mime. He pointed
In a misty haze of Cheeto dust and executive overreach, President Donald Trump unveiled Operation Loompaland, a bold, legally questionable mission to repatriate all orange-skinned Oompa Loompas to their “ancestral homeland”—a place that, while fictional, “has great vibes,” according to sources close to the President like Bill Maher. “They&
In a jubilant press conference held inside a high-security bunker repurposed from a former Cheesecake Factory, Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem declared the United States officially “safer than ever,” citing a dramatic drop in total crime—after forcibly relocating 35% of the population to offshore prisons operated by multinational security
Elon Musk, government-funded adrenaline junkie, has finally entered rehab for what experts call a “highly advanced form of corporate codependency.” In the year 2025, building a single-lane tunnel with Teslas crawling through it is enough to get you labeled a genius, provided you’re Elon Musk and receive $1,232,
JD Vance, best known for his memoir Hillbilly Elegy and for pretending to be poor enough to have trauma, has finally repaid the struggling communities he mythologized—by sending them to invade Greenland, replacing all rural hospitals with inspirational quotes, and put their kids back in the coal mines where
Bethesda, MD — In what began as a heated group text titled "Polite Society Has Collapsed", three of America’s most committed apostles of civility—Bill Kristol, David Brooks, and Bret Stephens—set fire to a Tesla dealership last night in what they’re calling a “reasoned act of
Washington, D.C. — In an inspiring moment of personal growth, White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt announced during Monday’s briefing that she has finally overcome the toxic, self-imposed belief that she must, at any point, be honest with the American public. “I used to think transparency was important,” Leavitt
TOPEKA, KANSAS — In what experts are calling “the most pathetic act of radicalization since Kanye’s brief Orthodox Christian phase,” Steve Bannon attempted to reignite his relevance Monday by throwing a brick through the window of a Tesla dealership. “I built this movement,” Bannon reportedly shouted at no one, his
WASHINGTON D.C. — In a sharp turn that left Beltway pundits blinking like un-updated iPhones, Vice President Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez announced that she’s finally ready to “get tough on crime”—starting with a very specific type: the kind where you try to overthrow the government and later install a convicted
In a rapturous press conference held beneath a 700-foot inflatable cross and a rotating gold eagle, Speaker Mike Johnson triumphantly announced a bold new healthcare strategy: eliminating Medicaid so that Jesus would finally “get off the sidelines and start healing people again.” “For too long, Americans have relied on government