Pam Bondi Marries Cybertruck, Declares It “Biblically Sound” Despite It Not Being a Man (or Working)
In a dazzling yet oddly angular ceremony this weekend, former Attorney General Pam Bondi made headlines once again — this time not for defending her right to torture kidnapped fathers in a concentration camp, but for saying “I do” to none other than a gleaming Tesla Cybertruck.
The union, held in the parking lot of a bankrupt Dave & Buster’s, was attended by a crowd of confused lobbyists, minor celebrities, and at least three members of the press who thought they were covering a product recall.
Bondi, dressed in a stunning white dress that matched the Cybertruck’s cold steel finish, gushed about her new partner. "He’s strong, indestructible, and most importantly, fully electric — unlike most men in politics," Bondi said, clutching the truck’s side mirror tenderly. "And he’ll never leak to the press."
"This is totally different from those other kinds of marriages," she insisted. "This is about love — not some radical political agenda involving people marrying the same gender."
The Cybertruck, which recently failed its 14th over-the-air update, remained stationary but technically present, which friends say is “more than we expected from most of Pam’s relationships.”
Bondi, weeping openly, whispered, "I promise to love and obey you, even if your firmware update bricks the entire dashboard again during hurricane season."
The Cybertruck’s Autopilot refused to engage for most of the ceremony, repeatedly trying to drive itself into a lake whenever Bondi said the word “love.”
Asked about the apparent contradiction, Bondi replied: "I opposed gay marriage because I believed marriage was between a man and a woman — or a woman and a 6,800-pound electric prophecy of white-collar apocalypse."
Pam Bondi says she's proud to be in a committed union — as long as no one in it asks for weekends off or dental.
Legal experts are already preparing for the inevitable prenup disputes. Sources close to the couple say Bondi is insisting on full custody of the Cybertruck’s charging cable should the marriage dissolve.
As for the honeymoon, insiders report that the happy couple is heading to a secluded Tesla Supercharger station in rural Nevada, where they plan to "reconnect" and "update their firmware" far from the prying eyes of the public.
In related news, Elon Musk tweeted and then deleted a post reading simply, "Congrats, Pam. If you two ever want a third..."
